Going (really, really) Green

Enough of the red-meat guys. This time, I'm snagging a vegetarian.

The Boob Whisperer

Chesty Besty: Go ahead, have a listen.

Plaid Lad: It's saying, "Stop going for the guys who try too hard."

Hair Affair: Why do you betray me this way, Fatty Orbs?! 

Plaid Lad: It's also saying, "If you chop the Mohawk, we'll have matching 'dos."

Hair Affair: Well, that would be freaky. Maybe I'll just borrow the mix master's condom hat.

Chesty Besty: That works for me!

Plaid Lad: You deserve each other. I'm off to find augmented reality. I'm close enough to know this isn't it.

Tinker Bull

Pixie Chick: Poof!

Iggy Flop: What the bloody hell are you doing?

Pixie Chick: Transforming you into something easier on the eyes with pixie dust!

Iggy Flop: It's cheap glitter and a glob of it is lodged in my throat, you twit. It's not my color, either. A silver matte shows much nicer on my spray-tanned skin.

Pixie Chick: Yes, I noticed you were orange. My magic dust doesn't appear to be powerful enough to turn you a normal shade.

Iggy Flop: Achieving this shade takes precision and dedication, thank you very much.

Pixie Chick: I see you've continued the theme to your magic wand.

Iggy Flop: Equal rights for equal awesomeness, my pet.

Pixie Chick: Put some clothes on, Orange Crush.

Iggy Flop: Admission is the first step, luv. It's not easy being under my spell.

Pixie Chick: Poof! Damn, you're still here.

Cutting Edge in 2001

Left Pucker: Omigod, I can't believe I was selected to be in such an edgy campaign!

Right Pucker: I know! Nobody's ever tried a lipstick-lesbian kiss to sell product before. This is so edgy!

Left Pucker: I might be into it a little more if your mouth didn't smell like the ass of a rotting cow.

Right Pucker: Me? Do you know what happens when you combine coffee, cigarrettes and roasted-garlic hummus? I do, because it's burning a hole though my chin.

Token Male: I don't care about the smell. I want in the middle of that brownie delight!

Red Wonder: I'm too busy trying not to pass out from the stench to hear you.

Pink Princess: So glad I learned how to stop breathing at Barbizon Modeling School.

Paris Bueller's Day Off

Hey, Bitches! It's me. Paris! Bet you couldn't tell because I replaced my hair extensions with a Marilyn Monroe wig. Don't I look just like her? I was so turned on I almost made out with myself, but that stupid mirror wouldn't let me reach in and wrap my arms around my own hot body. When is somebody going to design a make-out mirror already? And don't my boobs look huge? Who would have guessed duct tape has more uses than keeping the help in line? I learned SO much on this photo shoot!

Dirt Bags

Oh honey, don't fret; I could care less about clothes. But I have a lot of sex toys.

Make Room for Baby

Luxe Lady: You really are cheap. All I asked for is a crappy little motel room. You can't cough up $39.99?

Bargain Boy: Have you seen me? I'm wearing melon-colored pants and no socks. Do you think I want to dress this way? This is called broke, baby.

Luxe Lady: I suspect if I get pregnant, we'll have to convert the trunk into a nursery.

Bargain Boy: That area is claimed for my man cave. However, there's enough space in those boots to house a couple of kids.

Luxe Lady: If you get a man cave, then I'm claiming the boots for my craft room.

Bargain Boy: Fine. Let's agree then. No kids until we can swing a trailer hitch for the truck.

Luxe Lady: And rope for the mother-in-law suite on the roof. No kid without a built-in babysistter.

Ballbuster Alert!

My ballsack ... crushed ... circulation to testicles ... restricted ... nuts ... shriveling ... looks sexy ... through the viewfinder? And ... we're posing.

Mama Ciccone Wants Equal Pay for Equal Work

Mama: But Little Nonni, these conditions you have me working in are unsuitable for the mama of the Material Girl.

Madonna: Quiet woman! Keep sewing. My see-through culottes will be the hit of the tonight's premiere! Who'll be causing a commotion? Madonna! Just wait until Karl Lagerfeld sees me. He'll be sorry he's been musing it up with that stupid, young Blake Lively.

Mama: But Little Nonni!

Madonna: Little Nonni is no more. I am Madonna. JUST Madonna. It's even on my driver's license.

Mama: Do not forget, my Little Nonni, that I am the original Madonna. It's on my driver's license, too. Before you had it taken away, that is.

Madonna: What reason do you have to drive? When was the last time I allowed you to leave your shed?

Mama: You know perfectly well you took away my license when I tried to escape to La Isla Bonita back in '94.

Madonna: Mama, don't preach. You can never escape me, nor my enigmatic persona. Speaking of me, it's time I transformed again. I've been doing the aging Italian movie star for too long. I need to look younger. Lively-er! Like a lucky star!

Mama: Movie star? Have you seen any of your movies? You're more like an aging music video extra. And you know how badly they age. Just look at your brother.

Madonna: That's what happens when you only get 4 minutes of fame. Now push up your CVS glasses and let's get this show on the road. I can't be late for the red carpet.

Mama: I'm going to express myself by strangling you with my tape measure.

Madonna: I'm crazy for your ire, you tiny, poor beautiful stranger.

Mama: By the way, that pretty Blake Lively has better legs than you. Maybe I should sew you a long, wool skirt so you don't offend Mr. Lagerfeld.

Madonna: Guess who's going to be burning up in her bed tonight?

Up, Up and Away

When Daddy said putting on 10 pounds might keep me better grounded, I thought he meant metaphorically.

A Prickly Situation

Gown Goddess: Stoopid photographaar! I told you posing amid cactus would be a biiig mistake!

Sweater Girl: On the plus side, I don't think I'm a virgin anymore.

Concealed Weapons (of Mass Destruction)

Two-Bit: That knee comes up any higher, he'll know this chicken is made of sausage.

Super Lit: That knee comes up any higher, she'll know this sausage ain't nothing but a patty.

One Carry-On & One Buffoon Per Person

Ditz Guy: What do you mean, none of my things are contained in all this luggage?

It Girl: Darling, it's Fashion Week! Everyone knows you're a total nobody unless you arrive with no less than five suitcases. Of your own.

Ditz Guy: But my Hugo Boss suits! You know they cut me just right at the hips. Do you want me sitting next to Anna Wintour, looking like a fatty?

It Girl: With that face, you'll be lucky if you get a seat in the back with the stylists' assistants. The second assistants, that is.

Ditz Guy: But I'm sure your VIP status will be just fine. If you lose the wig.

It Girl: You're riding home in the cargo hold.

The Big Heist

Left Shoe: We got her! Go! Go! Go!

Right Shoe: I'm going, I'm going. Jeez, do you remember her being such a fatty? Eight months in Belgium and she goes from a slender clutch to a wide-load tote.

Left Shoe: She's a little weighed down, but can you blame her with all the waffles and chocolate and beer she's been subjected to here? And don't forget the french fries. French fries originated in Belgium, you know.

Right Shoe: Can't say I did know that. What I do know is my arch is starting to bend the wrong way and I think I just popped a shoelace. 

Left Shoe: I hear that. My chunky platform cannot handle the weight. After we get her back to the States, a visit to the cobbler is definitely in order.

Handbag: Um, hello? I can hear you. And, I'm not fat. I've got a wallet in the oven and it could be either of yours.

Right Shoe: Now my sole hurts, too.

Left Shoe: You are such a heel.

Super-Duper-Size Me

You go on one little five-month, fast-food binge and the next thing you know, you're relegated to being photographed in coats the size of the Empire State Building. You're darn right I'm not smiling about it.

Pillaging and Plundering for Good Booty

Ahoy me hearties! I'm back, with a clean poop deck and padded treasure chest, looking for a buccaneer with a robust booty to flog this yo-ho-ho before shivering me timbers with a jolly roger.

Party Pooper

Whoever came up with a city chic dress code for a ranch party better have a cute cowhand waiting by the bar with an armful of Shout Wipes.

Twisted Sisters

 

Chubby Cheek: Wait until she finds out Jimmy gave me his peanut-butter sandwich at lunch yesterday. Pretty Girl won't be sleeping so peacefully then.

Unfairly Chic: I can hear you. I'm not sleeping, I'm resting for my playground tete-a-tete with Bobby. You know Bobby? Whose dad owns the Handi-Dip? Guess who won't be getting her signature Double-Sundae-With-Everything anymore? And everyone knows Jimmy has cooties. He's made the rounds of the entire third grade.

Chubby Cheek: You take that back! The part about my sundae, that is. As for Jimmy, I guess that explains me waking up with a cold sore this morning. Thanks for hiding it with your silky hair.

Unfairly Chic: The Beautiful People are here to help in your time of need.

These Things I Cannot Bare

I wouldn't feel so ridiculous if I could cover up with those red panties. Or maybe just the coat.

Stuck Up

Krazy Glue really, REALLY works. 

Fashion On the Brain

Every time I pack, I inevitably forget something. Wonder what it was this time?

Au Naturale

Beauty: Screw laser hair removal!

Beast: Yeah! Wait, we're talking just for me though, right? Because you've got a little 'stashe going that I could live without. 

Beauty: Sure honey, because I'm actually loving raking my hands through your back fur.

Beast: So, all this time you've been lying to me?

Beauty: No, I really dreamed of bedding Chewbacca over Han Solo. Because the 7-foot-tall Wookiee was the hot one.

Beast: But Mom always said Chewbacca was...oh, I get it now.

Beauty: Moms fib. Life's a bitch.

Beast: I hope my job at the Empire is still available.

You Spin Me Round

It took 12 cycles in the dryer but I think I'm finally sample size.

Double Your Pleasure

Dee: World domination is the shit!

Dum: I KNOW.

Dee: And minions are frickin' awesome.

Dum: I. KNOW.

Dee: Who cares if, instead of cushy thrones, we have to rule from cement balls?

Dum: I know.

Dee: My neck hurts, and I think I pinched something in my lower back, but at least I don't have to stand around all day in these heels. It could be worse, right?

Dum. I...know.

Dee: Come to think of it, these aren't the most comfortable clothes to wear perched on a hard sphere, are they? We should at least be offered something with built-in butt padding.

Dum: I, uh, no?

Dee: And didn't anyone get my memo about being afraid of heights? Our minions are so far away, they look like ants.

Dum: Okay, dude? They are ants. Someone spilled a juice. We're sitting on a sculpture and a security guard is heading this way to kick us out of the museum benefit.

Dee: Oh, right, the party. It's coming back to me now.

Dum: I hate it when you drop acid.

Dee: I know...wait, if I'm on acid, that means I'm just projecting you, right?

Dum: That's right. You don't have a twin.

Dee: Thank God, because you really look ridiculous right now.

Dum: Your egg may not have split, but your brain obviously did.

Read My Lips

Shut up, this totally worked for Georgia O'Keefe.

Naked Eyes

Double Ds: Mother thought she was so special because of one little ad in her underpinnings. 

Pointy Cs: I am a legend, captured in time, virile and womanly, my fruits ripe for picking.

Double Ds: Speaking of fruits, have you seen my melons? Clearly they're not from your side of the family.

Pointy Cs: You know what they say: "More than a handful..."

Double Ds: I believe that ends, "...would have kept Dad from deserting the family."

Pointy Cs: You have always been my least favorite child.

Grease Is the Word

I am going to rock Danny Zuko's world.

Bag Your Face

Remember when Samantha donned a getup like this on Sex and the City? While it was kind of shitty of her to upstage Carrie's book-release party by parading around in her sexy-priest costume when the invitation clearly stated an urban casual dress code, the outfit did prove it's possible to get a nip and a tuck and still hit the streets for cocktail hour. Cheers!

The Eyes Have It

 

Blondie: Can you see her?

Brownie: Not as well as I'd like, but yes, I can see her.

Blondie: She's taken each of our eyes and is wearing them as a mismatched set.

Brownie: Like Kate Bosworth. Very trendy!

Blondie: True, but besides the point, don't you think? 

Brownie: Too bad we're too fragile to take her.

Blondie: We'd break like matchsticks. At least the deep side part is in.

Brownie: Hooray! We're trendy too!

Blondie: We sure are. Now get off me. My spine is starting to tear.

Open Admiration

Woman: No, really, you have to see this.

Man in the Mirror: Sigh I highly regret suggesting you go commando.

Woman: Seriously, how do you find your way around down there? I don't even know what I'm looking at.

Man in the Mirror: That's because it hasn't seen a gardener in 25 years.

Woman: Are you dissing my fun field?

Man in the Mirror: Stay put. I'll be back with a hoe to help me till your soil.

Woman: Fine, but hold the fertilizer, please.

High Horse

Woman: Sniff What do I smell?

Horse: Nothing, baby.

Woman: Is that...marijuana? Were you smoking pot in your stall?

Horse: No baby, I swear. You know I'm not into that stuff.

Woman: I told you I didn't like you hanging out with that herd. You're a frickin' purebred. Are you willing to ruin your future - our future - just so you can party it up with the guys?

Horse: Well, in the interest of full disclosure, there were a few fillies rolling in the hay, too.

Woman: You can bet I'll be beating a dead horse tonight.

Horse: Damn, baby. Even when you're mad, you're kinky.

Splitsville

I'm in my daughter's jeans, I'm in my daughter's jeans!
 
RRRIP!

Thank God I'm wearing mom briefs, thank God I'm wearing mom briefs!

Coitus of Convenience

Sockless: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Victor. No, wait.

Souless: Mother was right. Trade school wouldn't have been all that bad.

Sockless: Victim! Is it Victim? 

Souless: At least he's buying that I'm into him.

Sockless: No, it's Villain. Yes. That's it. Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Villain. 

Souless: At least he's buying.

Wash. Dry. Fluff.

Air drying takes FOR EVER.

He's Got Legs

When I brought up role reversal, I didn't think his legs would look better than mine.